WOOD CHUCKING TO THE THEME FROM SANFORD AND SON

Why is it that when I am not near a computer I begin to have my most creative moments...just out and about and bam! I want to write.  It's been way too long since I last posted, and I'm feeling loads of pent up creative pressure.

Okay, this is not "our" pile, but it looks so similar.
Though, you must add the stacked firewood to the side...

After nearly 20 years of marriage, I have to face the truth.  Himself could be a (drumroll) borderline hoarder. (Oh the horror)  

Today I tried to clean up the backyard.  Himself has accumulated quite a wood pile.  Some of it is firewood, cut and stacked (or at least a semblance of a stack), but not all or even half.  The other tumbling wood mass is odds and ends from various house projects.  Saved for other house projects - sometime in the future (when the moon is blue).  These pending projects are obvious anywhere you look around our home, but all require time.  And apparently, and unfortunately, time is not something you can hoard.  Wow, what a concept...time hoarding.  Hmm, I like the idea of that...

Anyway, back to the pile.  Our backyard is only one pile of "junk" away from a scene from the old tv show Sanford and Son.  Today, I found myself humming the show's tune - it is very catchy -  as I tried to re-stack the odds and ends mindful of spiders.  To say it was overwhelming is an understatement.  And with that mess there is, and never will be, an understatement.  

Problem with trying to sort out the "good" wood pieces from the "junk" pieces brings up what may be the bigger problem.  Or at least a plausible excuse for the wood pile in the first place.  What do you do with odds and ends of wood that can't be used for anything?  Throw them out?  Burn them? 

Himself doesn't think burning painted wood is a good idea, and I agree.  So, what do you do with all those bits and odd-sized pieces of painted wood?  Throw them away in the trash can so they can be buried at the dump?  Is that the best environmental end for that painted piece of odd wood?  Trying to be a good steward of our environment, and feeling the guilt of adding to the ever-growing mound of human-generated trash on our earth, leads me to few options.  

Why is it others think nothing of chucking out old wood (okay, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?), along with other still useable items, into the trash can every week?  Do they feel no guilt?  No shame?  Damn their lack of environmental insensitivity...damn their ability to just not care...damn their neat and tidy homes and yards!

I once watched a great video dealing with issues similar to this.  By not tossing these unuseable odds and ends of wood into the trash, I am, or rather Himself is, still "throwing it out" but instead into our backyard "dump".  When put in those terms and since it has to go somewhere, either in the landfill or stay in my backyard "dump", it makes it so much less painful to my environmental ethics (what they are) to just put them in the trash can and have the wood hauled away.   Away where I will never view it again, or fret over it, or trip over it, or be embarassed by it...

Ah, but that leads to the next problem.  Now that I have gotten to the point where I can let the old painted wood "go", I really can't...yet...all at one time.   Wood weighs alot.  And if I overload the trash cans they (the trash guys) won't take it.  So, that means I have to parcel out the old wood, bit by bit, week by week, until it is gone.  Meaning, I am still using my yard as a temporary dump.  Grrr.

Wish me luck in my endeavors.  I may have to hide the "to go" pile so Himself doesn't pull out any pieces that "he can still do something with".  Which begs the question: "Do what exactly?"   

FREEDOM SEEKING BATTERIES?

The bounty from my latest battery sweep

This photo is of the latest “battery sweep” I conducted at my house.  I continue to find loose batteries everywhere.  No rhyme or reason for this since after testing all these batteries about one-third of them tested “good”.  So why aren’t they still in their slots?  They can’t all be falling out of TV, dvd, and Wii remotes, or toys.  The 9 volt is an even bigger mystery since the only item I can think of that uses them in our home is the smoke detectors.  Are these batteries now starting to fall from the sky?

I know I am not removing and leaving batteries around the house.  Teenager doesn’t have time to remove her clothing off the floor or bed, so I don’t see her giving this activity much of her energy.  Himself, he seems as bewildered as I am, though he thinks it is humorous (note he is not picking them up).  So, process of elimination leaves me...Last Son as the culprit.  When asked why there are loose batteries all over the house he responds, “I don’t know.”  Hmm, let me rephrase the question, “Why did you take the batteries out of their devices?”  “I don’t know.”  “Are the batteries dead?”  “I don't know? Do you want me to test them?”  (Note, he enjoys testing batteries, which is why he is #1 on my list of suspects.)

This isn’t the first, or second, or whatever, time I have made a battery sweep in this house.  Luckily, we don’t have any crawling infants in the house, though that does remind me that we have had problems with batteries in the past, but not appearing, but rather mysteriously leaving their proper location in TV remotes.  Years ago, when Teenager was around a year old, she was fascinated with the battery cover on the TV remote.  I never noticed her messing with the batteries themselves so didn’t think much of her “take the cover off, put the cover back on” activity.  Until that New Year’s Day, when I tried to use the remote to turn the TV on.  Nothing.  The cover was on.  I checked the batteries (maybe they were dead?)  No batteries.  I looked around the living room.  No batteries on the floor, in the couch, in the chair... and our living room was small back then, with hardwood floors and no hiding places.  And there were no loose batteries in sight.  

With the remote in my hand, and pointing to the empty battery slot, I asked our toddler where the batteries were.  She wasn’t speaking much then, but she did point to her mouth.  “You put them in your mouth?”  I asked her, quickly assessing what a battery in the mouth of a small child could do.  “Where are the batteries?” I asked again, hoping she would walk somewhere and pull them out.  Again she pointed to her mouth.  Egads.  I immediately found Himself and told him, “I think she might have swallowed a battery or two.”  Himself’s calm response, “I don’t think she could have swallowed a battery, they’re too big.”  

I located our supply of new batteries and picked out a AA.  Okay, it did look a bit big to go down her throat, but what if she choked it down?  Where was she and how long did it take for her to do this?  Our house was tiny back then and I feel pretty certain I would have heard her choking on something.  

Again, I asked my daughter, this time holding the new battery and pointing to the remote, “Where are the batteries for this?”  And again, she pointed to her mouth.

Time to call Poison Control.  Was I embarrassed?  Well, yeah, but I would rather be a stupid parent than be an idiot (fine degree of difference) parent who did nothing and perhaps fatally injured her child.  The Poison Control person told me that swallowing a AA battery, while difficult for a small child, is not impossible.  And if she did manage it, it is extremely dangerous and life-threatening as her stomach acid will eat through the battery wall exposing the battery acid which could kill her.  Right, okay, glad I called.

Himself and I spent the next several hours at the Emergency Room where they x-rayed our one-year old and ascertained that she did not, in fact, swallow any batteries.  One of our more memorable New Year’s Day events for many years - it is not a great feeling telling Emergency Room personnel that your child may have swallowed a battery.  There is always “the look”.  The strange thing is that we never found the missing batteries to the remote - anywhere.  It’s like they just disappeared - poof.

Fast-forward to today, and I find that instead of being plagued by missing batteries, I now have “extra” batteries on the floor, under the table, under the couch, on the bookcase, in a closet, etc.  It’s like a battery exodus.  Do they manage to pop out and roll to freedom at night?  Would rechargeable batteries appear on the floor just as easily? Or is it really just another unsolved mystery in my house...like the mystery of who used up the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll?

DEER WARS or WHY THE MOVIE "BAMBI" NO LONGER MAKES ME CRY.

Is this what happens to those deterrent-loving deer!
http://www.computertroublesolver.com/Fun-Pictures.html

Even though I live a few short blocks to the beach, I also live on the fringe of open land which makes my yard a convenient restaurant for deer and gophers.  Stupidly, I planted roses when we first bought this house.  I saw the roses bloom heavily for the first two years.  I also planted tomatoes, green beans, snap peas, etc.  A real producing garden.  The bamboo teepee was densely covered with bean vines, tendrils wrapping themselves neatly over the wire structure.  Ah, lush and fragrant.  

One day I was lovingly watering and admiring the bean teepee, eyeing the very young beans growing in the warm sun.  The next day, those same bean vines looked like someone took hedge clippers to them in the middle of the night.  And then two days later, the bean vines are pulled off the teepee helter-skelter and there isn’t a flower to be seen or any tender young beans.  The tomato plants looked like the same hedge clipper-wielding maniac took to them as well.  Garden vandals?  No, and those of you who live around deer know what I am describing.  My innocent, naive garden plantings were an exercise in how to spend money and time for nothing.  The deer damage isn't just to my expensive plants. Nope, even the old unreinforced rock wall (it came with the house) has, over the years, slumped and fallen in places under the weight of those well-fed deer with their sharp hooves gashing into the soil surrounding my delicious roses and vegetables.  

After wet winters (in California this is not the norm), the deer will come down a little later, more towards June, going back to the hills when the rains start up.  But with a dry winter, beginning as early as April, my yard hasn’t got a chance until it starts to rain the next winter. And when do roses bloom and veggies start sprouting? Yep, April.

Over the many, many years since my first realization that my garden is a legend with the local deer population, and because I was still determined to save my roses, sweet peas, gladioluses, veggies, etc. (again, I was naive and thought it was possible), the following is a list of deterrents which I have tried in my numerous attempts to fend off the deer:   

Garlic oil-infused clip-on capsules:  Yes, these expensive little items smell very garlicky.  And apparently, I have some deer that actually preferred those “Italian” plants with the garlic clips. Didn't work.

Cayenne Pepper Spray:  Hmm, absolutely evil and dangerous if applied on a breezy day and without gloves or sunglasses.  And, like the other scented deterrents, you can smell the pepper.  I sprayed the rose buds, the sweet pea buds, the tomatoes, etc.  Problem?  Well, if you enjoy bringing the cut rose blossoms into your house, you can’t without smelling the cayenne spray.  Another problem for me was "my deer" actually sought out the “Tex Mex” sprayed plants, leaving behind the unsprayed ones.  Odd, but true.

Rotten egg spray:  While this is effective as a deer deterrent, it is also especially effective as a deterrent for anyone with a nose from wanting to get close to your garden.  Nasty stuff.  And while my sprayed sweet peas did bloom freely, and openly, unafraid of being munched by Bambi and his mom, their delightful signature fragrance was overmasked by the smell of rotten eggs.  They lived long in the yard that year as they sure as hell weren't coming into my house smelling like that. And since I grow them to bring in the cut flowers, this doesn't spray doesn't work with any plants you want to enjoy as either cut flowers or for eating.

Combo sprays of rotten egg, garlic and cayenne:  This combo is long-lasting and smells so bad, I don't even care that it works. Still can't enjoy my fragrant flowers.

Dryer sheets:  Scented.  Hmm, the smell of roses or the smell of dryer sheets? They weren’t effective, and no, they look nothing like Tibetan prayer flags hanging here and there.

Hair Bags:  You take old nylons (any color), cut them into small tube “bags”, stuff them with human hair, tie them up and either hang them in the deer-enticing plants or just lay them on the ground nearby.  Well, because of my “thing” with hair, this deterrent was very difficult for me.  It requires cleaning out brushes and hand-stuffing the hair into the “bags”.  I had some help from a neighbor who had just given birth and her hair was doing that thing where your “extra” hair starts falling out so she had plenty to spare.  While this method actually seemed to work, it is so gross I just can’t keep it up.

Irish Spring: Sounds political (like Arab Spring?), but it actually involves tying up small pieces of Irish Spring bar soap and dangling the bits amongst the rose bushes.  The soap hangs there until rain or watering methods erodes them.  Again, the smell of Irish Spring is strong and isn’t what I want to smell out in my garden.  And, I’m not convinced it worked that well anyway.

Shiny objects:  Hanging old cds or bits of reflective material only works if you have a light source and a fence.  Again, not an especially great look in a home garden, unless you enjoy the “vineyard look”.  And since I am easily distracted myself, all I see are discs of bad music in my yard.

Motion sensors:  Water is too expensive around here to have motion sensor sprinklers go off if a deer “trips” through the garden.  Sound sensors?  Well the deer are quite accustomed to the next door neighbor’s dog that barks every night on the other side of their chain link fence, so this one won’t work for me.  

Panther Piss or Predator Pee:   I can’t help but visualize just how this product is collected before it’s bottled.  My online research of this repellent, and the other “predator pee” products leads me to believe that since cats are territorial, and I already have deer coming in, perhaps I would be inviting the local mountain lions to check out my “deer selection” (see note on photo caption below).  While the deer may hightail it, the chance of bringing in a mountain lion that finds my children's cats a tasty treat make this option less attractive.  But, if I was going for this deterrent, that are many types of predator pee out there. Check out his website for what's on tap:  https://www.thepeemart.com/peestore/

What's in Zoo Doo?

Zoo Doo contains Cheyenne Mountain Zoo tiger,
leopard and African lion feces.
Mountain lion feces is not used to prevent
attracting mountain lions to your yard.
http://www.cmzoo.org/conservation/action/ZooDoo.asp

Tiger or African Lion feces:  Exotic and possibly easy to get if you live near a zoo.  This is on my short list, if only to say I tried it!

Human Pee:  Okay, peeing around the perimeter of my yard is probably not going to be “my thing”, but I do have two males here in the house that may find it fun to try (can I be positive they only do it at night, when the neighbors aren’t out?).  I guess being able to pee out in your own yard is a right, or is that a privilege? Reminds me of an episode of Duck Dynasty (yes I just love that show).  Again, online research suggests human urine may bring bigger inquisitive animals in to investigate the smell.  Hmm, while it may work, the consequence is not worth it.

“Fence the damn yard lady!”  Yes, deer fencing does work, but living at the beach, in a “small lot” neighborhood, having a yard surrounded by a 7 foot high fence gives off a strong unneighborly feeling.  And having a 7 foot high fence along the front street parking is most likely not to code.  At a local grower’s nursery, where I bought some “hopefully more deer proof plants”, the grower suggested stringing heavy test fishing line between stakes around the yard perimeter.  Note: He also suggested setting a snare trap.  When I asked what I was supposed to do with a trapped deer he just looked at me and said, “Eat it.”  Okay, not an option...yet.

So, back to the fishing line “no see um fence”. Apparently the deer don’t see it and when they run into it it freaks them out.  Best to have the line strung at neck/chest level, and one lower down for the little ones.  So now, freaking out deer is on my list of things to do this weekend.  I’m not sure of the safety issue of having clear fishing line strung around my property.  If I attach some small streamers to warn children will that tip the deer off that there is a barrier?  Do freaked out deer do more damage than meandering deer?  Can I convince Himself that he has to put a lot of time in this weekend into stringing up an invisible fence around our yard?  

I shall report my findings as soon as the invisible fence is put up.  If I still have plants to protect by the time it gets done.  

WHY DO SLEEPERS NEED WINDOW SEATS?

Hmm, all window seat, all the time.
Problem solved!
(http://www.northwesternflipside.com
/2011/01/10/2011-where-are-the-flying-cars/)

On a recent flight to and from New York City I had the middle seat (going) and the aisle seat (returning).  On both flights, the passenger (both ways it was a guy) sitting in the window seat immediately, upon takeoff, pulled the shade down on the window and went to sleep.  For the entire flight the shade was down and I could not see outside.  I have no idea what the terrain we were flying over looked like.  I have never traveled or flown to the East Coast before and I would have loved to look out the window and down on parts of our country that I have yet to see up close.  Not that I have a great yearning to personally visit wheat fields, but it would have been nice to see the Rocky Mountains, the Mississippi River, or the Great Lakes, from above.  

But not on this trip, my first flight over our country.  Why is it people who ask for window seats do so to sleep the flight away.  I have been told that it is more comfortable to put your head up against the interior wall, that way you didn’t fall onto your seat mate. Okay, if this was a red-eye flight that would make sense, but this was a flight that took off from San Francisco at 8:30 a.m. and landed in New York at 5:00 p.m.  All daylight hours.  So why must a person sleep during these hours?  And is it really quality sleep?  I have yet to hear anyone say they had a good "days" sleep on their flight.

On my return flight home, the same thing happened.  Again, we took off from NYC at 5:00 p.m. and landed in San Francisco at 8:30 p.m.  Is this really “nap time” for some people?  I could have been in a plane anywhere, even sitting on the tarmac, and the sights would have been the same.  And then I had to hear a few passengers on the other side of the plane, who were awake, orally pointing out what they were seeing as we flew over the Great Lakes.  This just added to my disappointment.  

I have flown to Hawaii several times.  Unlike flying cross-country, when you fly to Hawaii there is really just miles and miles of Pacific Ocean down there, and but even then, unless the movie is worth watching, most passengers still keep their shades up.  Maybe because these passengers know they are heading somewhere beautiful and they are excited, too excited to sleep?  I have only returned from the islands on red-eye flights.  Nothing to see here folks, but sleeping was near impossible too.

Flying into San Jose, Costa Rica, five years ago, there was an exciting display of lightening as we were coming in.  I’m pretty sure most people had their shades up watching it...some probably fearing the plane would be hit.  The idea did cross my mind, but since more lightening hits Costa Rica than most other places, I hoped that the airlines had figured out a way to make flying in that kind of weather safe.

And when I flew to Alaska, everyone had their shades up as they viewed Denali (Mt. McKinley) rising up through the clouds.  For many visitors to Alaska, this is their only view of the top since it is clouded over most of the time.  

So why is it that on a flight, during daylight hours, that is flying over our country with all of its diverse terrain do passengers close the shade, and sleep.  Do they have exclusive rights over the window shade because they are closest?  Is that window view exclusive to them as well?   They don't pay more to sit in a window seat than their flight mates next to them.  So why do passengers in the window seat feel they can eliminate the natural light and view for the rest of us? Are they selfish? Do they know how annoying they are?  The windows are on a plane for a reason, to see out and give natural light.  If a passenger finds these natural attributes of windows disagreeable,  there are eyeshades and neck pillows specifically made and marketed to those airline passengers who need to sleep during a flight...you know the red-eye flights where everyone is trying to get some semblance of shut-eye.  These products can surely produce a “shade down” experience for the daytime flight sleeper, and everyone else in their row can enjoy the views.

And this is just one view a "sleeper" would miss:

This is one of 100 amazing photos taken throughout the world through windows of an airplane - obviously not by a "sleeper". http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/100-incredible-views-out-of-airplane-windows

Daytime flight sleepers should invest in these products if sleeping during the day is their habit.  Or maybe the airlines should offer “sleeper seats”, somewhere towards the back of the plane.  They can make it dark and cozy for the sleepers.  Then those of us who like to be awake during the day, enjoy natural sunlight, and look out the window at the scenery can do so and be happy fliers.

I looked at a few travel blogs to see how this issue was discussed.  One reason for sleepers taking the window is if they had the aisle seat no one could get by them to use the restroom and their arms and heads would get hit by the cart and other passengers.  An awful lot of excuses to just sleep your day away.  A few people suggested that people simply not sleep on flights other than international, all nighters.  Makes sense.  This suggestion was in response to sleeping passengers who snore.  

Actually, there are several blogs handling the issue of window shade control, who has it and who doesn't.  Then there was the issue brought up that if you choose to sleep on the plane you are more likely to be groped or pickpocketed.  Wow, I didn't know that sleeping on a plane is dangerous too.  And then there's a few stories about sleeping passengers that were left on the plane...for hours.  Did the flight attendants not see them?  Really?  Perhaps if they weren't hunkered next to the wall they would not have been missed.  Another reason not to sleep in the window seat.

I think I’ll write an airlines and suggest they make certain seats in the back of the plane “daytime sleeper friendly” so the rest of us can really enjoy the flight and the view.  The window shades can be fixed shut and no one has to hear them if they snore.  

Oh, and yes, I did ask for a window seat, but was told there weren't any available.   

MY STADIUM WHINE ( MAKE THAT WINE) OR WHY BASKETBALL PLAYERS ARE MORE CIVILIZED

http://www.fangraphs.com/not/index.php/some-baseball-whys/OR

As a parent, I began my appreciation of the sport of basketball for several selfish reasons.  First, it was indoors during the winter.  Even though we live in a fairly mild California climate, this area during the winter can often be wet and/or cold with gale force winds.  Many years ago, when Beginner Child played a couple of seasons of soccer, I did my stint outside on the sidelines, in the drizzle, standing because my chair was soaked.  They don’t call off soccer games unless it is really pouring, and only then because the grass field could be damaged.  No thought to the drenched players or parents.  Of course, after a particularly cold spell, our climate zone could offer up off-shore winds and above-normal temperatures for the following weekend.  If my body were made of sedimentary rock, I would have cleaved and eroded away by now.

Thankfully, neither Last Son or Teenager has much interest in playing soccer, so I have been spared that sport’s seasonal weather mood swings.  Beginner Child and Last Son are big fans of baseball.  Baseball season, even though this perennial sport is played in Spring, it can be an even colder sport to watch in our part of California.  The onshore winds off the ocean kick in around March and it can be brutal to be outside.  During baseball season I always have my parka and two quilts on standby in the car to get me through a game.  A game which goes a minimum of two hours or six innings - not including the warm-up time. Sometimes I come home after watching a baseball game and can’t get warm the rest of the day.   

Ahh, but then there is basketball season.  The sport with an indoor court.  No matter the weather, the gym is dry, though a jacket is sometimes still necessary on the bleachers.  And the games, at least through the high school level, are limited to about an hour.  Unlike after watching a baseball game, following a basketball game I have never felt the need to jump in a hot shower or bath just to get rid of the chill in my core. 


Spectator, and player, beverages, however, are limited at indoor gym sports.  While having a thermos of hot tea or coffee is du jour on the soccer field sidelines, and on the metal bleacher seats of a baseball diamond, basketball fans are limited in their choice of drink.  In the gym it’s water only and no eating.  Wood gym floors do not handle liquids well.  Which brings me to my absolutely favorite thing about “in the gym” sports....no spitting!

Why do baseball players spit continually, anywhere and everywhere.  The dugout must be slimy with spit by the end of a game.  The dugout floors are concrete, not dirt.  It’s not soaking in, its sliming away on top of the floor.  And who has to clean up this crap?  Now there is a job for Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs!


Do baseball players all suffer from the problem of an overstimulation of salivary glands?  Back in the day, I guess the tobacco chewing players needed to spit regularly and they just used the ground like a spittoon.  But today, hardly any players chew tobacco, so I’m not sure of the reason to spit unless it is just “part of the game”. Yuk! It is disgusting to watch on TV and in person. Young baseball players are emulating their idols by spitting sunflower seeds continually throughout the game. Hmm, are sunflower seeds the “gateway substance” to a spitting habit?  Even those who chew gum are spitting.  Don’t they need that moisture in their mouths?  Do they need to drink more water?

Baseball players may be sweating due to heat, nerves, or their minimal moments of exertion, but I don’t see any of them breathing so hard standing in position that they could be building up excessive amounts of saliva that needs to be spit out. And then there are the fans. Historically, baseball fans love to eat peanuts and spit out the shells on the ground around their seats.  Apparently this is how diehard fans get into the spirit of the game.

Watch a basketball game and there is no doubt that the  players on the court are breathing hard and sweating because they are continually running, up and down court.  These guys are working up a sweat. If a basketball player lands on the court floor, the towel guys are out there quickly sopping the sweat off the floor from player contact.  Are the basketball players sitting on the bench spitting on the floor in front of them.  No.  Are they spitting into a bucket nearby instead?  I haven’t seen any indication of that happening.  And they certainly aren’t spitting before making every free throw.

I have googled the topic- spitting- and it is simply amazing the comments posted.  Apparently, the question of why baseball players spit has quite a few people wondering.  And, I didn’t find any answer that points to anything other than a gross habit ritualized by the baseball players of old who used to chew tobacco.  Okay, totally makes sense to continue the disgusting habit right?

So baseball, America’s Game, is a sport that encourages spitting, on the playing field, on the mound, and in the stands.  Spitting, an act that is gross behavior in any other setting; is unsanitary; is distracting from the game being played; and probably nothing more than an addictive, ritualistic habit.  Yep, sounds just like an activity this country would hold in highest esteem.  

And to think that when I was a kid I didn’t like basketball because of the uniforms.  At ten years old I thought it was gross to see men’s armpit hair showing every time they shot the ball.  As an adult, the armpit hair is no longer an issue, though I can be distracted by the tattoos the college and pro players are sporting.   Which brings to mind the thick magnet necklaces that many baseball players are now wearing.  Basketball players cannot wear necklaces or any other jewelry on the court.  

So, with baseball you get spitting and necklaces; with basketball you get no spitting, and get to ponder the players’ tattoos.   With baseball you can drink and eat anything you want, and then spit. Here’s a question that could change my mind... Could I endure a baseball game’s inherent spitting scene if I was sipping a glass of wine in the stands?  My answer?  What kind of wine is it?

Now this is quite clever, though a bit crude if you are still sitting on the cushion while you are filling your cup.  

From: http://mis2pesos.blogspot.com/2011/10/11-creative-ways-to-hide-your-booze.html

Whipped Cream or Saliva Suckers

My parents had this album
when I was growing up.
I remember thinking,
"What a waste of whipped cream!"

Teenager finally got her braces off yesterday! A long-anticipated, very exciting day for her. While Himself and I are glad she is coming to the end of her orthodontic experience, it also means there is a final bill looming ahead.  Well her smile is worth it. With the braces gone, she'll suffer no more injuries when she gets elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Sitting in the waiting room while her bands were popped, pried, and ground off, I could hear the various dental tools being used.  Ahh, that familiar “zzzzzz” drill/sander/polisher sound. Even two rooms away I shudder convulsively when I hear it. Even though this time it was used to remove the band adhesive, my body responds to that sound like a Pavlov dog. I wonder how it sounds to someone who has never had a cavity? Beginner Child was spared cavities and braces; Last Son has yet to have a cavity and truly looks forward to those two visits a year to the dentist.  This is all a bit weird for me, the kid who had to regularly go to a dentist named, of all things, Dr. Shock.  Really, that was his name.  And I spent a significant number of hours in his chair.  

Another tool of the dentist trade I find unpleasant is the “saliva sucker”. Not sure what the real name for the device is, but that is what it does. Hooks right over your lower lip, sitting inside slurping away. Ugggghhhh. Generally, the sound of this gurgle is as gross to me as swimming in a pool looking at floating hair. However, yesterday as I was waiting for the Teenager, and I heard the saliva sucker gurgle, the sound was actually quite pleasing because...the sound I heard was that same sound that whip cream dispensers make. I actually visualized delicious whipped cream being shot out on top of a cup of hot cocoa. Hmm, it was chilly outside. Do we have any whipped cream at home in the frig?  I think so, but is there enough?  Enough for hot cocoa for three, and Himself if he is at home?  Best to pick some more up at the market on the way home, just to be safe. Though being “safe” in talking about having enough whipped cream on hand could be construed as an odd comment by some.  But that is how I see the world. Being safe means, among many other things, having enough food on hand (of course my list of “being safe” things involves plenty of non-food items too!), and whipped cream is a food I like to have on hand. Yes, it is a food and it covers a gamut of uses: substitutes in my coffee if I run out of half-and-half; is essential to hot cocoa; and consumed straight up, or actually straight down from the can and into the open, awaiting mouth, makes a delightful bribe to get Last Son to finish his schoolwork. Hmm, I think whipped cream could actually be an essential.  Like flour or some cans of soup in the pantry.  And if there is an earthquake, or other disaster, wouldn’t you feel better with a mouthful of whipped cream?  Yes, the soup would sustain you longer, but the whipped cream would ease your panic.  Yes, an essential it is.

What size spoon would you use to eat this?

How can you eat that canned stuff? you may ask.  Of course, if given the option, I prefer the real, get-out-the-Kitchenaid-whip-it-yourself, whipped cream.  Problem is that I seem to always have "extra" whipped cream when I use the real stuff for a recipe, and it doesn't store very long in the frig.  Meaning: I tend to devour the "extra" quickly and don't always have whipped cream on standby in the frig when I need it ("need" being a subjective term here).  The canned stuff lasts longer (and no, I don't really want to know why!).  

These are actual band colors.
I ask you:Can you see much
difference between
Aquablue and Violet Blue? 

Back to the orthodontist’s office...while I was still contemplating the whipped cream supply at home, Teenager emerged into the waiting room, smiling broadly.  Wow, it has been a long, long time since we’ve seen all her teeth.  No more trying to figure out what color of bands she chose while commenting that they looked...cute?, fun? stylish? (I never did figure out the right thing to say) And when I mistakenly tried to identify the color of the bands, I was usually wrong - not even close.  I couldn’t tell the difference between one color of bands and the next set, and that always led to the “eye roll”. Parents of teenagers try to become immune to the “eye roll”, but we secretly try to do something right to avoid it when we can. I am so glad those days are over!  I mean figuring out her band color choice...I think the “eye roll” phase will be with us for a few more years.

In the excitement of Teenager's new fresh, slippery teeth feeling, we forgot to pick up more whipped cream. When we arrived home, the day was not really chilly anymore, so no hot cocoa.  But Last Son and I usually have some on Fridays (again, it is a great bribe for schoolwork).  I can’t help but wonder now if the sound of the whipped cream splurting out on the cocoa will sound as good to me this Friday as it has in the past. Will I now associate the delectable ssscchhhhh (sound of whipped cream coming out of can) with the sound of the “saliva sucker”. How could my mind dare taint such a wonderful thing?

SPINNING INTO THE NEW YEAR

Ahh, another thing to add to my guilt!
 

Okay, it’s been way too long and the holidays are long past, and I haven’t posted anything for a long time.

I am not much of a New Year’s resolution maker. I set goals randomly throughout the year.This year I decided to be average, typical, and boring and resolve to get my weight down and my health up. Again, thinking about exercising is not as beneficial as really doing it (but wow if it was I’d be in excellent shape). I did think about my health and fitness level for two weeks, constantly, especially every time I put jeans on after they were washed and dried. What I needed was a kickstart...and not a heart attack.

Recently, I met up with my running partner from several years ago. She called me and asked if I wanted to do a spin class with her. Hmm, this might just be the thing to fuel my motivation. I am highly motivated by guilt - guilt if I let down a friend, not myself mind you, but I don’t let down friends. If I tell a friend that I am going to do something with her, something that she will be truly depending on me to do with her, then I will always do it. So, I said, “Sure, I’ll check it out.” Now, I have never taken a spin class, but I have heard about them. And what I have heard is that they are tough, but also a great workout. I’m thinking I can sit on a bike and pedal to music...

So, off I went to my first spin class...alone.The friend who initiated my guilt couldn’t start the class for another week.I accepted her challenge of checking out the class by myself.  Himself and the kids were amused at my decision to take a spin class, but definitely supportive.  

The class is held at the local high school. I found the cycling room (by following a woman with a water bottle and towel) and my eyes met with a sea of stationary bikes. Hmm, does one pick “their” bike? Is there a good location? Near the door? What if it is “someone else’s bike” already?  I joined this class a week after it first started and was told that, apparently, spinners can get particular about which bikes they use and like to use the same one each time. Something about getting the bike adjusted just right. Since the class was held at the high school, and the bikes were used every day in PE, I wasn’t sure this could be an issue, but I was alert for the signs that I was taking someone’s coveted bike.

The class was small, but feeling a bit out of my comfort zone, I picked out a bike that was located in the back row, away from the other spinners, and none of the latecomers seemed peeved I was on “their bike”. The instructor made sure it was adjusted to my height and then, I was on my own. Apparently, there is a special language spinners know...add more road, let out road, sprint, etc. Should I have asked a few questions on terminology? Of course, but I’m an intelligent woman and “I don’t need no stinking instructions!” 

First thing I noticed...my shoelaces were clicking on the bike frame...irritating little clicks every time I pedaled. I wasn’t the only one clicking so, okay, I’ll deal with it next time. There is no downtime during the class to make these adjustments, or maybe I was too self-conscious to do anything about it.

Second thing I noticed...I have rather strong negative feelings about bike seats. They are terribly uncomfortable- no matter how they are designed. This feeling has prevented me from taking a spin class in the past. See how dedicated I am to my friends?

Well this just says it all.

Perhaps my excess thigh girth is to blame, but by the end of the class I was feeling a painful chafing on my left inner thigh and was consistently numb anywhere my butt met the seat. Not much I could do about the chafing until the class was over, and the numbness would not be permanent (or at least I am under the impression that no permanent damage could occur). I just needed to buck up and endure “the burn”, right?  No, after enduring “the burn” I have now promised myself that I will stop and make some serious adjustments if I have that feeling again. Egads, I am seriously chafed, like a rope burn. I am going to have to put a large bandaid over the area for tonight’s class.

Third thing I noticed...I am a weak wobbly mess! All that thinking about exercising did nothing for my endurance and strength. Not that I really thought it would, but I like to think that my mind is a powerful device and can command my body to obey. The truth hit me like a concrete wall when the instructor said, “put on more road”, and “stand and pedal for one minute.” My first thought was, “I should be able to do this.” The mind said yes, parts of my body said, “Okay, we’ll give it a try,” but my legs screamed, “What possible exercise in our recent past gives you the green light to think we can do this?” 

Pedaling while standing is much, much harder than I thought it would be. After realizing my legs were not strong enough and I really was in danger of falling off the bike, I sat down on that seat from hell and pedaled along, glad I was in the back row and my failure at standing was not readily seen. Sitting on my sore butt, chafing away, I couldn’t help thinking, “Well, when I’m on my real bike and going up a hill, I shift down so the pedaling is easier, so why do I have to “add road” and stand up to pedal?” Because this is an exercise class stupid!

Found this Spiderflex seat on 

bicycleseatsonline.net

Would it be weird to bring
my own seat to Spin Class?

After more than 50 minutes of sweaty pedaling, chafing and feeling the rings of fat that circle my hips slap up and down with each stroke, the instructor had us dismount for some stretches. I’ve always had a bit of trouble standing steady and walking after a real bike ride, and this was no different. Hmm, perhaps this is the real reason they call it a “spin” class.

Overall, the spin class was successful. I now feel muscles that have been dormant for almost a year (okay, maybe longer). It felt good to sweat again. Although I know it takes six weeks for results to show up after starting to run, I don't know how long effects from spinning will take. Will this class prompt me to do more exercise? My mind says, “Yes!” in a happy strong voice. My butt answers, “I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll let you know once I have feeling again.”